Hey there, Keeper of Others’ Pain. I’m Alison.
I know what it’s like to shove down your feelings to take care of others, but I’m going to be blunt with you: ignoring yourself is killing you.
Losing control feels like a death sentence.
You’re an expert at curating the image society sees: collected, dedicated, persistent, resilient, teamplayer, loyal to a fault. But over the past few years, you’ve seen how that image is slowly cracking, like the walls of the Madrigal’s casita:
You’ve yelled at a patient and they didn’t deserve it. Let’s be honest, even if they did deserve it, you’re the master of keeping your shit together.
You’re snapping at your work bestie, the one person who is on your side.
When you’re drinking off duty, even your colleagues are giving you the look of concern as you’ve taken your 7th shot.
You do what you can to keep yourself going through each day: numbing the fuck out.
So what if you get high 6 days out of the week? It keeps you even keel and not dead, because what’s the alternative? Really?
Losing control means letting your mind race to your mortality, your worthlessness, the ways you fail and let everyone down on a daily basis.
Losing control means toying with the line of life. You got too much shit to do, so numbing out it is.
Except numbing does not help anymore.
The red flairs of your distress already went up, erupting in the sky for others to see; your work bestie and your partner see you are sinking.
You’ve tried so hard to keep a positive, strong attitude in the workspace but there is no way to fake it through that energy of depression and hopelessness. It fills up the space like the stench of a dead skunk; you can’t ignore it.
It’s only a matter of time that everyone is going to see the wreckage beneath.
You need the skills to get through the racing thoughts and intense feelings of meaninglessness.
You need someone who isn’t going to sugarcoat how awesome, resilient, strong a person you are, but call you out on the bullshit because you’re good at keep up the appearance of everything is fine.
Honestly, you’re hoping for someone to give you penance, like a Catholic priest handing out “Hail Marys” to forgive you for your sins. But what you actually need is someone who can sit in those shitty feelings, ride the waves of despair, and get to the other side.
This is more than learning the theory of feeling better, but the lab portion: where the messiness happens as you actually practice what’s taught.