What to Do When Feeling Guilt and Shame

I want you to be able to feel guilt and shame. I feel like that’s such an odd thing for a therapist to say, but it's something I truly believe. Why? Because they're not inherently bad emotions; it's something that gives us data. Mind you, I’m going to talk about this from a DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) lens and in a very literal way because I feel like that’s the best way of understanding what I mean.

As I mentioned in a previous blog post, there are no “good” or “bad” feelings, but rather there are feelings that are more enjoyable and pleasurable and there are feelings that are painful and uncomfortable. In the DBT Skills Training Handouts and Worksheets (Linehan, 2015), emotions help motivate action, communicate and influence others, and communicate to ourselves.

What are guilt and shame trying to tell you?

I can tell you what they’re not communicating.

Guilt and shame does not mean you are inherently a “bad” person. Emotions often get confused for facts, especially when it feels more intense; emotions are not facts (Linehan, 2015). I’m a stickler when it comes to thinking about things in terms of good or bad because that type of thinking tends to cause distress - there isn’t room for nuance. It’s a type of cognitive distortion in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). This is not to say individuals don’t do harmful things or engage in harmful ways, because people most certainly do, but any experience of guilt and shame does not determine your value and worth as a person. It is not a fact.

I've noticed how people use guilt and shame for a variety of reasons, so this is currently anecdotal:

Feeling helpless when they feel bad for somebody or something stressful is going on.
They are feeling bad for hurting someone’s feelings when setting a boundary or asking for something.
They actually did something that requires accountability.

Before really going into each of these, let me break down how guilt and shame can be beneficial in your life.

The purpose of the guilt is to help you recognize when you have done a wrong and motivate you to make amends, repair the relationship, or help you to not repeat the same mistake going forward (Linehan, 2015). It’s an emotion that is intended for you to take action rather than to just “sit with.” This is part of why it’s a problem when you feel guilty about something you have no responsibility for or you've already taken responsibility for. If there is nothing to fix, the thing will forever feel unresolved. Or if you attempt to make amends and you are not forgiven or unable to repair what’s done, it can feel as if the guilt will be permanently there. Being stuck in guilt in an unmoveable situation is similar to psychological torture, a life sentence for a crime that you didn’t commit or doesn’t match the severity of what you’ve done.

Shame is similar to guilt, but it’s more about breaking social norms (ex. Small friend group, work group, organization, neighborhood, etc.) rather than harming an individual relationship (Linehan, 2015). Shame’s goal is to motivate changing your actions to be more aligned with the social norms. This part can get tricky because not all social norms are meant to support people in your community. For example, when people are being discriminated against because of their race, gender, sexuality, etc. it can be normalized to partake in derogatory comments or bullying behaviors. In fact, standing up against discrimination may go against the social norms and therefore the shame is meant to have you go back to the status quo. Shame can be helpful and it can also be part of the problem.

But let’s say that you’re breaking social norms in a way that hurts your community and goes against your values. For example, even though you benefit from it, you refuse to donate despite having the means while others have to donate more to make up the difference. This type of shame can help you recognize that you’re causing harm to your community and motivate you to make a change (donating time, money, resources, etc.).

The problem with shame, just like with guilt, is that it becomes a moral judgment.

“If I feel shame, that must mean I’m a bad person. And I’m not a bad person, so I need to stop feeling shame; people need to leave me alone. They’re the bad people for judging me because I’m not bad.”

Or…

“I feel guilty. That must mean I suck as a person and I’m bad.”

See how this can be a problem? The feeling of shame exists, it gets ignored, and is used as a way to doubledown harming others. Or the shame becomes amplified and is used as a way to doubledown harming yourself. Both do not actually relieve the feeling of shame.

So what do you need to do if you’re feeling a lot of guilt and shame?

You need to figure out if that’s really what you’re feeling or if it’s something else that’s going on. When guilt and shame are masking another feeling, this is called a secondary emotion.

Some questions I tend to ask in session:

What crime did you commit? How do you know it’s a crime? For my literal thinkers, this is not referring to an actual crime that is being committed but rather a metaphor for something that you did wrong or harm that was caused by you.
If there is no crime, then what is it that you’re really feeling?

Reason #1: Feeling helpless when feeling bad for somebody or something stressful is going on.

Let’s make up a situation.

Let’s say you agreed to spend time with someone important. You’ve made the date, scheduled the place, and confirmed. Then, at the last minute, you came down with the flu. You’re running a fever, your body has chills, and your throat is on fire. You can’t go to hang out - not only do you feel miserable and would be terrible company, you’re also a biohazard. You let your friend know and while they’re disappointed because they were looking forward to hanging out, they also completely understand. They offer to drop off soup and are looking forward to rescheduling.

And you feel so guilty for letting them down.

Okay, let’s break this down with the questions asked earlier:

This is where CBT can be super helpful.

What crime did you commit?	Committed the crime of canceling.
How do you know it's a crime?	Because I feel bad for cancelling. They were disappointed.

Hypothetical you were feeling bad about having to cancel because of their disappointment. It’s an unfortunate situation because there was nothing more you could have done to prevent getting sick and it wouldn’t have been wise to go while being infectious. Friend was sad that they weren’t able to hang out, which says more about how much they were looking forward to being with you rather than you doing something wrong. Disappointment in this sense is like grief at not being able to hang out and the feeling will pass.

Because there wasn’t any real “crime” - it was unavoidable and you couldn’t have predicted it - there is nothing to “make up.” You could reschedule when you feel better, but I don’t know if that’s making amends or if it’s spending time with someone you enjoy.

You’re probably disappointed that you weren’t able to go and it sucks because there isn’t much you can do about it. Disappointment feels way more helpless than guilt. Guilt gives the illusion that you can do something, except you can’t so it won’t actually make you feel any better. If you let yourself feel sad and disappointed (and miserable because you’re sick), it’ll be easier to move through it and you’ll beat yourself up less.

What about canceling makes it a crime?	They were disappointed.
What about them feeling disappointed makes it a crime?	I don’t want them to feel bad because of me. I could have taken meds or wore a mask or pretended to be feeling better.
Are you feeling bad because you did something to hurt them or are you feeling uncomfortable that they’re disappointed and understanding?	??? brain not comprehending
Could you really have done anything to prevent yourself from getting the flu?	No. Maybe? Mask more?
Are you responsible for them feeling disappointed?	Yes, because I’m not supposed to make them feel bad.
*But do you really* have the ability to control someone else’s feelings?**	No.
What is their disappointment conveying?	That I'm a bad friend.
How does someone's disappointment make you a bad friend?	Because a good friend wouldn't do that.
Do you think they think you're a bad friend?	Probably not.
What is their disappointment actually conveying?	That we weren't able to hang out.
Is that a reflection of you being a good or bad friend (especially if they don't think you're a bad friend)?	No.

New scenario:

You’re used to fixing problems for your friends, family, colleagues, and employer. You go above and beyond, giving your literal 100% (because that’s what you’ve been told to do) but it’s leaving you feeling really tired and (dare I say it) resentful. You feel like people are constantly asking you for things, asking you to go places that you don’t want to go, doing things you don’t want to do, and being their shoulder to cry on… the list goes on and on and on. You decided you are going to cancel going to a friend’s party because you don’t have it in you to socialize with acquaintances at this time (small talk takes a lot out of you). You send a text to your friend about your change in plans. You thought she would be okay with it, but turns out, she isn’t. She tells you how you’re being a bad friend, that this party is important to her, and that if you really cared about her you would show up. You put the phone down (to take a break from the texts) and you feel so bad. You question if maybe it really is selfish for you to take the night off to yourself.

What crime did you commit?	None.
If there is no crime, what is it you're really feeling?	Sad and disappointed.

So now let’s get into it:

What crime did you commit?	Cancelling because I wanted to have a night off - I'm tired.
How do you know it's a crime?	Because I was called a bad friend.

In hypothetical situation 2, you feel bad that your friend is upset and that they called you a “bad friend.” Yikes. You value how helpful you are and really strive to be there for people. You want to be a good friend for others and it really hurts to flat out be told you’re a bad friend. After initially feeling guilty, you realize that it’s a sucky situation (again): you’re tired and if you do not take the night off, you’re going to lose it. It’s either you or them at this point and you’re choosing you. You weren’t mean, you didn’t call them names, or accuse them of anything; you just told them that you’re not able to go because of how tired you are.

What about cancelling to stay home is a crime?	Because I already made the commitment to go to her party. And I know it's important to her
Are you not allowed to break commitments?	No, becuase that would make me a flakey friend.
Do you normally break commitments/let friends down by not following through?	No, I show up to all their parties and hang outs.
Is your presence required for this party?	No, I'm not doing anything or hosting. I'm just supposed to show up for support.
Will there be other people to support them?	Yes, there are other friends going.
Will you be able to support them in the future?	Yeah, if they're still my friend.
So are you really a flakey and bad friend?	No.

Reason #3: You actually did something that requires accountability.

Next hypothetical scenario:

You are hanging out with a friend, catching up over coffee. They share with you how they’ve been having a hard time: they recently were put on a PIP (that feels unfair and inaccurate) at work, they got into a huge fight with their partner, and they’ve been feeling a lot of pain in their back and knees. You hate that they’ve been feeling so bad lately and you want to help cheer them up. You remind them of all the things they should be grateful for: their health, the fact that they have a job and things can get better at work, and that they have someone that cares about them. Your friend looks at you with annoyance and reiterates how bad it’s been lately, how they are feeling misunderstood and overlooked. You, again, remind them that they are lucky and suggest ways they can get in a better mood: go for walks more, take deep breaths, and focus on the positives. They look at you with even more irritation, causing you to be frustrated right back at them. They remind you that they are not feeling appreciated or seen - both professionally and in their relationship - and now they’re feeling like that with you. They don’t have many places to vent and wanted to just rant about what’s going on without your advice. You take offense. How dare they? You’re the one listening to them and trying to solve their problems. You tell them that if they don’t want to feel better or fix things, then why did they bring it up to you in the first place? They huff, gather their stuff, and storm off.

After that rush of anger passes, you start to feel bad about what you did. You question if maybe you’re part of the problem. Maybe you suck as a friend?

What crime did you commit?	None.
If there is no crime, what is it you're really feeling?	Sad, hurt, and disappointed.

Now, this is the difficult part: because you really care for your friend, you automatically take the guilt you feel (which is appropriate because harm was actually done) and use it as ammo to attack yourself. You call yourself names and doom your future: you suck, you’re a bad friend, you always get it wrong, you’ll always hurt people, you’re going to end up alone, everyone hates you.

But that’s not going to help the situation. The guilt is a motivator to repair the damage that’s done. It’s not to punish yourself.

What do you do when you actually need to take accountability?

So here are the questions I like to ask for when you do actually have to make amends:

If there is something you did, is there a way to address it?
- Can you apologize?
- Is there a way to make it up to the individual?
- Is there something you need to change going forward?
If they do not accept your apology, how can you give yourself grace and learn from the experience to prevent the situation happening again in the future?

The feeling of guilt isn’t an indicator of whether or not you’re a good or bad person (although that is another topic for another blog altogether); it really is about making the repairs. If the harm done wasn’t that big of a deal, you probably won’t feel that guilty. If the guilt lingers, then there is something about what happened that is important to you - maybe it’s your integrity or how you value the relationship. And if you’re able to rule out that it’s not another feeling (like sadness, hurt, or anger) and you recognize that you do have something to actually take responsibility for, then it’s worth taking those steps. Plus, it’ll feel relieving to not have the guilt weighing on you.

So let’s go back to Scenario #3.

You recognized that you did actually cause harm to your friend. You didn’t intend to, you were doing what you thought would help, and it still hurt them. Because intent is not the same as impact. But now what?

What crime did you commit?	None, I was being a good friend.
How do you know it's not a crime?	Because I saw the problem and told them how to fix it.
Did they asked for things to be fixed?	No.
What did they ask for?	They wanted to tell me about what's going on.
Did they get to do that?	Yes.
What were they wanting?	To rant.
Were you able to let them rant?	No.
What did you do instead?	I gave them advice. And then I got mad at them for venting to me if they didn't want to fix anything or take my advice.
Do they do this often?	No.
How do you think they felt after you said that?	Probably bad. And I wasn't listening.
What crime did you commit?	I wasn't listening, I gave them advice when they told me they didn't want it, and then I got mad at them.
How do you know it's a crime?	Because they told me what they want and I ignored it.

Now this can go one of three ways (although, maybe there are more options):

They accept the apology (immediately or after some time).
They do not accept the apology.
They accept the apology and do not want to continue going forward.

Reminder: taking accountability isn’t about making you feel better (it’s just a benefit). It’s about repairing the damage you caused. You can only make the apology and you’re not responsible for how someone responds to it.*

  
    *this is, of course, based on if you’re actually apologizing. Not one of those “I wouldn’t have done that if you hadn’t” or conditional apologies. Or the half-ass apologies where you’re insulting them like “I’m so sorry you’re so sensitive and don’t want to hear good advice.” If that’s the case, then you have another thing you’ll need to apologize for.
  

Now back to the show!

Response Option #1: They accept the apology (immediately or after some time).

Some are really open to accepting apologies and will do so immediately. Sometimes, it takes a lot of time for someone to truly accept the apology or get to a place where it feels genuine. This is going to be based on a few things: their own experiences with people taking accountability (or not) and how often you’ve made the same mistake without much change. If they are slower to process because of their own stuff, then just be patient. It sucks being on the waiting end of a response. It’s okay to ask if you can check in or if they would like to reach out first (and then respect the answer). The more you make it about you, the less genuine the apology.**

If they are slow to accept the apology because you’ve made the same mistake multiple times without making any changes, then it’s going to be important for you to be patient and understanding of their skepticism because you haven’t shown you can be reliable in keeping your word. You’ll need to continue being consistent with whatever it is that you need to do with taking accountability.

  
    ** This is, of course, assuming the other person isn’t being petty or vengeful. It doesn’t give them a free-for-all permission to be a jerk.
  

Response Option #2: They do not accept the apology.

This is a hard one and can feel really unfair if you’ve taken accountability the “right way” (a.k.a., you apologized and offered to make it up or change). This can be a situation where you might want to guilt yourself forever because you couldn’t fix what happened, and it’s not. There are various reasons why someone may not accept the apology, and assuming you’re being genuine, that’s all you can really do. You can’t force them to accept it. That’s on them to process.

You could counter that this wouldn’t be happening had you not done the thing in the first place. True, but people are flawed. We all make mistakes - there’s no way around it. Even when trying to minimize mistakes by obsessing over perfectionism and masking, it still doesn’t prevent mistakes from happening. Learn from this experience and try to do something different going forward in other relationships.

If there is something you did is there a way to address it?

Can you apologize?
Is there a way to make it up to the individual?
Is there something you need to change?

I could ask to meet with them and apologize in person. I can tell them what I was intending to do and how it was not helpful to them (because that’s not what they were wanting). I will try to ask them what they would like from me next time they are venting so I don’t give unsolicited advice. I will also ask them to be direct in what they are needing as well so we both can try to prevent this from happening again.

If it’s a lost opportunity or relationship, give yourself permission to grieve that loss. If they’re important, you’re going to grieve - there is no way around it. You’re going to feel sad. What’s important, though, is to not minimize your responsibility. That’s not to say you’re 100% responsible for the relationship.

Absolutely not.

But you are 100% responsible for your part in the relationship (so half of the relationship). You’re not going to take any more or any less than what’s yours. The rest falls on them.

Response Option #3: They accept the apology and do not want to continue going forward.

Similar to the previous response - they are not required to continue with the relationship even if they accept your apology. It is possible to accept an apology, acknowledging that the other person is wanting to take accountability for what was done while also ending things.

Let yourself grieve, learn from the experience, and when you’re ready you’ll move forward.

Let’s summarize because that was a lot:

People can feel guilt and shame for a variety of reasons, even when there is nothing to truly feel guilty or shame for.

Guilt and shame are useful emotions when there is damage done to a relationship or community and creates motivation for making repairs and changes to prevent harm in the future.
Guilt and shame can act as a secondary emotion, causing avoidance of the feeling you’re actually experiencing. Learning to tell the difference between legitimate guilt/shame and another feeling can help with feeling less guilty.
If guilt and shame is appropriate (because you did, in fact, do something), then there are steps you can take to make repairs:

Apologize/take accountability
Offer to make it up to them
Indicate how you will make a change to prevent it from occurring again

Even if you take accountability, that is not a guarantee that your apology will be accepted. If that’s the case, here is what you can do:

Learning to give yourself grace/compassion
How can you take this experience and prevent it from happening again?

If this was helpful and would like to work with me, you can contact me here to schedule your free 15-30 minute consultation - I provide one-on-one therapy, couples, and groups.

References

Linehan, M. (2015). DBT skills training handouts and worksheets: Second edition. The Guilford Press.

Alison GomezMarch 26, 2026

If they do not accept your apology, how can you give yourself grace and learn from the experience to prevent the situation happening again in the future?

If I’m giving advice and it’s making the other person upset or shut down, I’ll ask them if that’s what they’re wanting. If it’s not, I’ll see what it is that they’re wanting and I’ll be honest if I can give them that.